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Buy Pazopanib Tablets Online from LetsMeds.Com, The Trusted Indian Pharmacy. Pazopanib is its active ingredient and is also known by its trade name #Votrient. It is available in the strength of 200mg & 400mg worldwide. Pazopanib is an anti-cancer medication used to treat certain types of cancer (kidney, soft tissue sarcoma). Pazopanib blocks the proteins (kinases) from sending indicators to most cancers cells to grow.

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Brand Name: Pazonat
Salt Name: Pazopanib
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Pazopanib 200mg Tablet is used to treat advanced renal cell carcinoma (RCC, a type of cancer that begins in the cells of the kidneys) in adults. Pazopanib is in a category of medicines known as kinase inhibitors. It works by slowing or stopping the spread of cancer cells.

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Most aspect consequences do now no longer require any clinical interest and disappear as your frame adjusts to the medicine. Consult your health practitioner in the event that they persist or if you`re involved approximately them:

Diarrhea, nausea/vomiting, headache, loss of appetite, weight loss, altered sense of taste, numbness/tingling/redness in hands/feet, or feeling tired/weak may occur.

Temporary hair loss and/or change in hair or skin color may occur.

People the use this remedy can also additionally have extreme aspect effects.

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В городской клинической больнице им. Вересаева продолжается реконструкция восьмого корпуса, построенного в 1971 году, и возведение нового четырёхэтажного скоропомощного комплекса на территории медучреждения. Закончить работы планируют до конца текущего года.

Восьмой корпус с пятидесятилетней историей преображается на глазах. Здание находится на реконструкции уже больше полугода, на сегодняшний день внутри объекта завершены все демонтажные работы, в подвалах заканчивают разборку стен и инженерных коммуникаций. А вот на этажах их, наоборот, прокладывают. Вместе с этим продолжается монтаж и отделка стен, перегородок и подготовка лифтовых шахт под монтаж. Снаружи рабочие почти завершили облицовку фасада здания и замену стеклопакета. Внешне восьмой корпус и скоропомощный комплекс будут выполнены в едином стиле.

Продолжаются работы и по возведению нового здания скоропомощного комплекса. Здесь рабочие уже завершили стяжку пола и устройство перегородок, сейчас занимаются оштукатуриванием и шпатлеванием стен, облицовывают плиткой пол, прокладывают внутренние и внешние инженерные системы. В здании обеспечивают вентиляцию и кондиционирование, проводят электричество и водоснабжение, устанавливают системы пожаротушения, наблюдения, подключают комплекс к теплу. Также строители завершили прокладку внешних систем водопровода, ливневой и хозяйственно-бытовой канализации.

Несмотря на продолжающееся строительство, больница не прекращает принимать пациентов. Врачи оказывают высокотехнологичную помощь, стационар оснащают инновационным оборудованием. Пациенты лечатся в комфорте, на высшем уровне здесь даже питание, которым занимаются профессионалы. Комбинат питания обеспечивает больницу индивидуальными лечебными рационами, которые упаковывают в модифицированной газовой среде. Каждый рацион – это целый набор блюд в индивидуальной упаковке, соответствующий одному из нескольких диетических столов.

Больница им. Вересаева на сегодняшний день является крупной многопрофильной клиникой, оказывающей круглосуточную помощь по множеству направлений. Здесь лечат пациентов с острым коронарным синдромом и острыми нарушениями мозгового кровообращения, хирурги делают операции пациентам с сердечно-сосудистыми и эндокринными заболеваниями, поражением центральной нервной системы и другими, осуществляют экстракорпоральное оплодотворение.

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I have watched, read, written and took part in the great resignation (joining a new company 6 months ago remotely, only seeing my new colleagues in person for the first time last week.
The software development world has changed and overall developers have benefited. Software development has increased, demand for developers has gone up and developers have moved more for better jobs.
What happens next? Will developers continue to move jobs at higher levels or will it settle down?
Will companies change and put more effort and money into keeping developers, instead of focusing most of their efforts into hiring replacements?
The stages of the great developer resignation
Below are the stages of the great developer resignation
Remote working — meeting overload, burnout
Increase in remote working leads to an increase in demand for software and an increase in demand for developers
Developers move jobs to get better roles and better pay
Developers take sabbaticals
It seems COVID is calming down, with restrictions being removed in most countries and face to face meetings back on.
When I went into an office recently it would estimate it was only using 10 percent capacity. Many office workers can work remotely and most companies are not forcing workers to come into the office. This is limbo situation because without other people in the office there isn’t a benefit to going into the office.
Winners and losers of the great resignation
Who were the winners and losers of the great resignation?
The big losers are software companies who hire developers. They lost experienced developers (experienced in their projects, processes, culture and people) and had to pay higher wages, recruitment time and recruitment fees to replace those developers.
At the time many companies were trying to grow development teams, developers were leaving in greater numbers than ever before. It wasn’t a great resignation; it was developers playing musical chairs and getter better jobs with more pay.
There is an onboarding cost for new developers whilst they ramp up their knowledge on the company, projects, processes and colleagues. New developers are less effective and take time from experienced, existing developers. Add the addition of bad recruiting/bad culture fit to the disruption of hiring new developers.
During Covid demand for software created an increase in demand software developers which pushed up the wages for software developers.
If companies hire developers at the same rate developers are leaving, they will pay additional money to keep the same team size.
Software companies were not used to the power being with the developers (e.g. they could move company easier for higher pay) and the ones I saw didn’t adapt to this change. The wording I heard from managers was defeatist, people were leaving and they believed there wasn’t anything they could do about it.
Easier to move
Now more developers have moved at least once and the majority have only remote relationships with colleagues. Does this mean they are more likely to move in the future? It seems there would be less to keep developers at their new companies.
Many developers who haven’t moved job fear moving jobs and the longer you don’t do something, the bigger and badder it seems. Change is disruptive because of the unknown, and we don’t know how we will react. The easier, safer option is to stay where you are.
It’s easy to imagine the worst, even if the outcome is unlikely. Fear is bigger in our minds than in reality. Developers who have moved once have faced that fear and removed this barrier removed to moving.
Developers can only move if there is demand for developers, their ability to move is linked with the economy and demand for software.
What happens next?
The next step in the great resignation is focusing on keeping their existing developers with wage increases aligned with average wages for their experience and skills.
Companies will look at benefits they can offer and use permanent remote working to keep developers. Companies will push in-person events to encourage developers to see each other and create relationships. Relationships are a powerful tool in making effective teams and are another barrier to moving (assuming you like your colleagues).
I hope there will be a focus on mental health and helping developers avoid burnout. It’s easy for developers to get burnt out with unrealistic demands and deadlines on a software project. This is a symptom of poor management and contributor of resignation, often among the most effective developers.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Remote working will be here to stay for now because it’s a benefit that developers like and has proven to have no reduction in output in the last two years.
Companies need to help developers progress their careers because it’s easier to move. This will need improvement in coaching, management, and training. Its dangerous to keep developers on career dead end projects because they can leave easily.
In the Microsoft Dynamics/Power Platform world, I am seeing bigger companies moving to buy smaller companies to hire enough additional developers to meet demand.
Conclusion
The power stays with developers for the time being and companies will focus on retaining talent and keeping people happy. Focusing on hiring is missing half of the equation, reducing resignations means they need to hire fewer people.
Companies need to fix the holes in their leaky boats instead of focusing on bailing out water.
Greater flexibility and benefits will keep developers.
A rising tide raises all boats. This happened with developers wages during covid. If the demand for software drops (which seems unlikely) this would reduce the demand for software and developers.

PEORIA, AZ — The San Diego Padres announced today they have extended Major League Spring Training invitations to 24 players. Among those 24 players are 10 minor league free agents that will be new to the organization, including infielders CJ Hinojosa and Domingo Leyba, outfielders Jose Azocar, Luis Liberato, Nomar Mazara, Thomas Milone and Trayce Thompson, and right-handers Jordan Brink, Angel Felipe and Heath Fillmyer. Right-handers Carlos Belen, Nick Burdi, Tyler Higgins and Aaron Northcraft, left-handers Daniel Camarena and José Castillo, infielder Aderlin Rodriguez and catcher Webster Rivas also return to the Padres organization for the 2022 season on minor league contracts.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The list of non-roster invitees includes 10 right-handed pitchers, two left-handers, one catcher, five infielders and six outfielders. Of the invitees, 10 have Major League experience. Additionally, six of the 24 were originally signed or drafted by San Diego. Below is a complete list of non-roster players who will be in Padres camp, and attached is a full roster of all 64 players who will attend 2022 Major League Spring Training with the Padres.

The most interesting segment of Apple’s March 8 Event dealt with the M1 Ultra chips — plural intended and explained below. Today, we’ll focus on what this latest member of the M1 family means, on what it portends for future Apple products.
A brief history: the M1 chip was announced at Apple’s June 2020 WWDC (it’s yearly developers’ conference) with an overall theme and several promises. The new member of the Apple Silicon family (the Wikipedia article provides valuable perspective) set a tone that was to become common to all future announcements: More Power, Less Watts. In practical terms, your M1-equipped laptop would be faster and its battery would last longer — when compared to Intel-powered devices, of course. This came with one shorter term promise, a MacBook Air and a MacBook Pro to ship before year-end, and a longer one: all Macs would be converted to Apple Silicon within two years.
About a year later two new M1 processors were announced: M1 Pro and M1 Max, larger chips with, in the ascending order of their names, more of everything: memory, CPU, GPU and Neural Engines cores. These late 2021 chips powered two MacBook Pro laptops in 14”and 16” diagonal screen dimensions. Real “pros” I spoke with, who develop software, rave about the speed and battery life of the new devices, the 16” version in particular.
So, when rumors started of a new Mac to be announced early March 2022, there was speculation that Apple would be announcing a newer M2, more powerful member of the Apple Silicon family, perhaps based on a newer TSMC 3 nm process — as opposed to the 5nm version used for M1 devices. (Here 5 nm and 3 nm refer to the size in nanometers, billionths of meter, of circuit elements used to build chips. In general terms, smaller elements mean denser, more powerful chips.)
Surprise, Apple announced not an M2 device but a new member of the M1 family, the M1 Ultra. Further surprise, the M1 Ultra actually consists of two M1 Max chips joined thanks to a silicon interconnect feature that had been all along part of the device. (Fans of Johny Srouji. yours truly included, will delight in his exposé of the M1 Ultra starting at 26 minutes into the show. Here Johny proves to be as excellent a pitchman as he is as the senior head of Apple Silicon developments). In essence, Srouji says, in the M1 Ultra, the two M1 chips are joined without paying much of the penalty associated with connecting two processors together: power consumption, bandwidth and memory management. For example, the UltraFusion interconnect, as it is christened, manages more that 10,000 signals with a bandwidth that stands at 2.6 terabytes per second. Memory stays unified (no changes to applications) up to 128 gigabytes and the combined device holds 114 billion transistors, the largest amount ever in a desktop chip. In “fusing” the two M1 Max chips, Srouji and his team come up with a never-before 64-core GPU The M1 Ultra feature set is summarized here:

This allows Anandtech, a leading technology site to conclude its first look at the M1 Ultra thusly [as always, edits and emphasis mine]:
“The net result is that Apple has announced a SoC that has no peer in the industry across multiple levels. Going multi-die/multi-chip in a workstation is a tried and true strategy for CPUs, but to do so with GPUs will potentially put Apple on a level all of their own. If their transparent multi-GPU technology works as well as the company claims, then Apple is going to be even farther ahead of their competitors both in performance and in developing the cutting-edge technologies needed to build such a chip.
Great. But there are a few buts.
First, benchmarks will reveal that, for a single thread, a single sequence of operations, the M1 Ultra isn’t faster than an entry-level M1 chip. This is because the the clock speed associated with the 5nm process common to all M1 chip hasn’t changed for the M1 Ultra. The newer chip will particularly shine in multithreaded applications generally associated with media development (audio, video, animation…) and some software development. All of which constitute a juicy and traditional enough market for Apple whose control of its macOS system software helps maximize multithreading performance.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Second, the recourse to two M1 Max chips fused into a M1 Ultra means TSMC’s 5 nm process has reached its upper limit. It also means TSMC’s 3 nm process isn’t ready, probably not shipping until late 2022. Apple, by virtue of their tight partnership with TSMC has known about and taken precautions against the 3 nm schedule, hence the initially undisclosed M1 Max UltraFusion design wrinkle, likely an early 2021 decision.
Third, the new M1 silicon needs a new home. Roughly speaking, it could dissipate as much as twice the heat of a M1 Max chip found in a late 2021 MacBook Pro. This leads to a new desktop, the Mac Studio, the name a clear reference to applications in which it is expected to shine. Built on a single aluminum extrusion, with the same footprint as the Mac mini, 7.7 inches square and almost 3 times as high at 3.7 inches. The Mac Studio’s additional height makes room for a bigger fan needed by the M1 Ultra’s larger power dissipation. (In passing, we’ll note there is Mac Studio version sporting a single M1 Max chip that happens to weigh 2 pounds less, most likely the result of a smaller power supply.)
Fourth, to go with Mac Studio intended uses, a 27” Studio 5K display costs $1599 in its basic version — nano-textured glass being $300 extra. While the tilt-adjustable stand is included in the $1599 price, a tilt- and height-adjustable stand costs an extra $400… This is perhaps a challenge and an incentive to go to sites such as ergotron.com that feature a range of monitor arms solutions, some with cable management features. Still, the new Studio monitor is welcome alternatives to the 32” Pro Display XDR “starting” at $4999 and demanding an extra $1,000 for the nano-textured glass — plus $999 for a Pro Stand. It’s good to see Apple back into the somewhat affordable monitor game, especially when powered by an A13 CPU found in the Fall 2019 iPhone 11 driving a 12 megapixels Center Stage Camera and a 12-speaker sound system, and offering up to 96 watts of power to charge one’s laptop. While a capable 27” 5K display made by LG is offered at about $300 less, Apple surely expects the Studio’s extra features and aesthetics will help sell it.
Fifth, the Intel-based 27” iMac (on which I write this column) is no more and unofficially given little chance of being born again with an M1 variant.The reality seems to be we’re going to a state where you’ll have a choice of headless boxes (Mac mini and Mac Studio for the time being) to go with Apple-branded displays. In this scheme, one can upgrade the box without having to dispose of the display — which points to the problem I’d have if I wanted to update my own five-year old iMac, I’d need to jettison a perfectly good display in order to move to an Apple Silicon CPU. There is always the 24” iMac but, for the time being, it only sports an entry-level M1 chip.
A slightly orthogonal thought: because every word, every image of Apple Events is carefully vetted, one had to notice all six developers brought up to discuss the Mac Studio and Mac Ultra benefits inter work were women.
The Mac Studio and its M1 Ultra engine start shipping this coming Friday march 18th. That’s when we can expect the first reviews and reactions from the kommentariat. Right after the M1 Ultra introduction, a learned friend suggested the upcoming reactions from competitors might be an opportunity to update a September 2013 Monday Note titled 64 bits. It’s Nothing, You Don’t Need It. And We’ll Have It In 6 Months. In it, I joyously skewered naysayers who saw Apple’s 64-bit A7 processor powering the new iPhone 5s as a mere exercise in markitecture, as opposed to a portent of great things to come as the new chip “desktop-class” performance clearly signal a future beyond iPhones and iPads. In particular, we’ll have to watch Intel’s reaction, direct or telegraphed.

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thought I was going to stay at Netflix forever. Top of market pay. Freedom and responsibility. Unlimited PTO. What more could you ask for?
So when I quit Netflix in May 2021, everyone thought I was crazy. My parents objected first. Coming from cultural revolution China where they barely had enough food to eat, they thought I was throwing away all the hard work they went through to come to America.
“Just keep your head down and do the work!” they said.
“Don’t be ungrateful for what you have!” they said.
None of my friends could believe it either.
“But the free food!”
“FAANG!”
“Just rest and vest bro!”
The only argument I heard against quitting that made me slightly pause was from my mentor at Netflix. He said I shouldn’t quit without another job lined up, because “I’d give up the leverage I had with my high salary at Netflix.”

Resting and vesting — waiting for stocks to vest
That made me pause for all of 3 days, but I quit anyways. Now 8 months later, I am 100% certain this was the right decision.
In this article, I discuss the 3 factors that helped me understand the real cost of golden handcuffs, and why even a half-million dollar salary a year couldn’t get me to stay at a job I no longer enjoyed.
A Failed Role Transition
With offices shutting down in March 2020, all the best parts of work — the socializing, the coworkers, the perks — disappeared.
And all you were left with was the work itself. So if you didn’t like the work, and that was all you had, COVID magnified this fact 10x more.
And I wasn’t enjoying the work. But it wasn’t always this way.
I worked at Netflix for almost 4 years as a Senior Software Engineer in growth. At the beginning I felt like I was getting paid handsomely to learn. And up to around the 1.5 year mark, I loved it. Netflix’s culture was so different than the more secretive culture I experienced before at Amazon. The memos for every product decision were available for all employees to read. It was like getting paid to do an MBA.

Netflix’s transparency around all of its product decisions was one of the best perks of working there. It contrasts with the more secretive culture at Apple and Amazon.
But towards the latter half of my time, the engineering work started to feel like copy-paste.
Need to spin up a new microservice?
Copy paste an old one, change the business logic, and you’re done.
New A/B test?
Copy paste the old one, change a few of the test variations, and you’re done.
New email test?
Copy paste the old one and — I think you get it.

Netflix is very into A/B testing stuff. Here are 4 variations of the CTA they tested from the home page (from the Netflix Tech Blog)
I felt like there was no doubt that engineering could execute for Netflix, but I felt the better question was whether a particular project was a good use of engineering resources at all. So I wanted to transition into Product Management where I could lead these efforts. I spent 2 years going in a circle around the company, networking non-stop, talking to every organization, and applying for every role I could find.
I submitted proposals on what my priorities would be as a PM when I applied to every org: customer service, developer productivity, studios, partnerships, and notifications. I suggested creating a role on my own team to help manage the growing infrastructure. I also suggested that other PM’s could delegate more of their work to me so they can free up their time and grow their org. All of these proposals ultimately didn’t pan out.

I spent 2 years going in a circle trying to get a PM job at Netflix, but ultimately ran out of options.
Looking back, I realized my mistake. I thought if I just tried harder, I would eventually get the job. But now I realized that sometimes things are out of your control because of a structural issue. Netflix doesn’t have a process in place to support horizontal role changes like this; I have never seen an engineer successfully transition to product management here.
They offered me more opportunities to partner with product management to develop product skills, which I was grateful for. But partnering is not the same as having the role itself. Ultimately you can’t just read a book about swimming and expect to learn how to swim. You have to jump in the water.
Waning motivation, waning performance
Towards the end of my failed PM job search, I felt the high salary was an increasingly bad deal. Before I was earning and learning. Now I was only earning.
My team’s goals and my interests also started to diverge. My team was moving more towards a more engineering focused direction involving a platform migration. But my interests were veering more towards entrepreneurship and product management. The engineering work I was assigned would never be applicable to any other future work I did.
It started to feel like I was making a previous career mistake again — staying in a job that wasn’t a great fit longer than I should have. This mistake is more costly than people think. If you stay an extra two years at a job that you wanted to leave, and did that over 5 jobs in your lifetime, you just wasted 10 years of your life working jobs you didn’t want to do. I felt like I was wasting time.

There is nothing more anxiety inducing than missed work messages.
My motivation waned, and my performance waned with it. I became less engaged in meetings, minimized doing any work that wasn’t directly relevant to developing product management skills, and dragged my feet on communication. The only motivation at the end was just trying to not get fired. It was just kind of sad to feel like I had reached a point where I was aiming for such a low bar, and struggling to even cross that.
Unfortunately, my manager started to notice. In a heated performance review that lasted over 2 hours, he told me that I needed to 1) be more engaged in this migration and 2) be more communicative. In his words, I had to improve in these areas “if I wished to remain on the team.”
Reassessing life priorities during COVID-19
The pandemic was a wake-up call.
Watching millions of people die from COVID made me realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed. You could die from COVID before any of your dreams are ever realized. And the longer you put off a dream, the greater the risk that it never happens. So if there is anything you want, you have to go for it right now.
No more next time. Now is the time.

A dream deferred is a dream denied. My favorite quote of all time.
I realized what the real cost to golden handcuffs was. The cost is your youth, your time, and your life. People don’t accurately judge these costs, because a salary is a hard number, whereas the value of your youth is more intangible. But just because something is hard to measure doesn’t make it any less valuable than something countable like money. It’s hard to measure the value of a brand, mental health, or love, but we know it matters.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Seeing all these people die from COVID made me scared that one day my tombstone would read:
“Here lies Michael. He spent his life doing work he never wanted to do. Then he got COVID and died. Rest in peace.”
The longer I stayed in a job I didn’t enjoy, the greater the chance that this WOULD be my tombstone. I knew I had to take action now — I could not keep kicking the hard career questions down the road. I had to quit.
Final Days
I saw the bad performance review and the threat of getting fired as a way out. But I wanted to get a severance package first without getting fired.
So I proposed to my manager in a 1:1 a few weeks after that we discuss a “preemptive severance package”.
I said something along the lines of: “My performance is declining because my motivation is declining. I don’t see my motivation improving because the team’s goals are diverging further from my career goals. What if we just discussed a preemptive severance package out of Netflix now rather than drag this on? That way Netflix saves money, you can find a better fit for the team sooner, and I can go do what I want. A win-win situation for everyone.”

Breaking free.
After he discussed this with HR, I had a final meeting with him and HR where they agreed to preemptively terminate me, and I got my final severance package out. Golden handcuffs — begone.
Life after Netflix
I thought my life would be over after leaving corporate, but it has been the exact opposite. I was worried that I’d have no social life, but I’ve actually met even more people after quitting — other creators, entrepreneurs, and builders.
I saw my mental health improve as the anxiety I developed from worrying if I missed another email or slack message disappeared.
I now feel this deep calmness inside of me, an unshakeable belief that everything will be OK, even if any future success is not guaranteed right now. As I type this on a Sunday night, I have no problem working on weekends if it’s work that benefits me. There is no better incentive than knowing that I capture all the value of my own work.

And by working only on things that energize me, it might ironically unlock potential earnings even greater than I was making before.
It’s been 8 months since I quit in May 2021. I took a bit of a break for the rest of 2021. I lived in NYC for a few months, took a road trip through Utah and Arizona, and generally just enjoyed life.
I’ve decided to commit fully to working for myself. Although I’m just starting, and don’t have any real dependable streams of income, I’m going to trust the process that if I’m working on the things that energize me, good things will happen.

“Don’t let your disability define you.”
I’ve lived almost 20 years as a disabled woman. Though I didn’t take my first steps until the age of 5, I’ve had no choice but to grow up in a hyper condensed amount of time. I’ve been forever bonded to the multitudes disabled life contains — the beautiful and the ugly. I’m not shocked by others’ bizarre behavior at this point. But I can’t wrap my head around the fact that people expect me to transcend my disability…I’m not even sure what that would look like. The closest thing I can think of would be my soul leaving my body, and that requires one of three things: drugs, dying, or being at a Taylor Swift concert every waking hour of my life. Choose your fighter! (To note: I choose the never-ending T Swift concert).
So, with those scenarios being completely unrealistic, I’m screwed in the transcendence department. Luckily, I have another unsolicited suggestion, to forget my disability, let it run its course, and just flip everyone off who can’t handle my presence. This ideology is one I’ve developed several hypotheses for and have tested out many times (the flipping people off part symbolically, though, I don’t have the fine motor skills or the guts to give the bird on a whim). Guess what? It doesn’t work, not even close. And when I tell people that this transcendental excursion and forced positivity fails, their faces turn inquisitive and frustrated, they begin to spew things like:
“You’re hyper-focusing on your disability,”
*after I ask for assistance* “you underestimate your capability, push harder.”
“Don’t wallow in your disability, that’s victimhood.”
“You should be more like this disabled person,” *shows me social media post* “they are just so positive and inspirational despite their circumstances. That mindset would be good for you.”
For the record, it’s only been in recent years I’ve started to let go of the unrealistic expectation to be an ultra-positive disabled person. I only really discuss the negatives if I open up to someone. But otherwise, I’m still constantly trying to embody this expectation because it feels like the only way to be taken seriously.
“Just don’t let it define you.”
“Don’t let your disability win!”
“People are probably being nice, you’re just overthinking.”
“You weren’t bold enough.”
In many cases, the people who tell me their revolutionary ideas are the same people who can’t shut up about my disability. They bring it up in every conversation, ask invasive questions, erase my pain and heartache as well as my joys and successes, treat me as inhuman, and then expect me to stop hyper-focusing on my “issues.” Am I really the one fixating on my disability here? I don’t think so. I was just asking if you pour your cereal or milk first, and now we’re halfway through my extensive medical history.
It’s taken a long time for me to realize this pattern because it becomes internalized. I become angry at myself for existing. No stomach bug can nauseate me the way this feeling does; this feeling of inadequacy and inhumanity just because I’m disabled. Just because my body is different. Just because sometimes I have plastic and metal on my feet, neck, and back. Just because I struggle walking and look different. Is this feeling that leaves me so frozen worth it?
Why do these suggestions, comments, and statements cut so deep?
Even if it’s done without malintent, telling someone they “hyper-focus” on their marginalized identity and/or that they should “just be grateful”, “push harder” or “just stay positive” is, in my opinion, the equivalent of spilling gasoline onto the already roaring fire of painful division blazing throughout the world. Well-intended people saying or implying these things will never get it, but they don’t have to, empathy doesn’t require experience. I feel bad to admit that it’s growing hard for me to find grace for these people anymore, so I keep quiet and make myself smaller.
To these people, I must kindly ask, If you “don’t see disability”, why do you whisper it like a dirty secret before introducing me to others or referring to me when I’m not there? Why do you have to look past my disability as if it’s a boulder blocking a stunning view? Is it scary? A turn-off? Does it make me inhuman? My disability doesn’t make up the entirety of my being, but it’s a huge component of who I am, and I need people to see it. Erasing it would be inauthentic.

My little sister pushing me (age 13) in my wheelchair post my double reconstructive foot surgery. (Photo by author)
I can’t stop thinking about my disability if the world can’t.
It’s not necessarily my decision, but most days I wake up and chase certain inner chaos in order to survive. I get so angry and distraught with how I’m treated that I attempt ghosting my disability, living my life without showing any “weakness”, letting things flow without making a scene, not caring what others think, and taking the suggestions I typically resent. That sounds like a good idea, right? Allow me to illustrate what the chaos looks like in motion:
A day in denial.
I wake up. Cool. I decide I can’t take living like this anymore. It’s too early for thought so haunting. I come to the realization that I can either a) disappear under my duvet for the rest of time, or b) get up regardless and turn my anger into strength. Trick question: I don’t get that choice, so it’s option B.
Electrical currents of pain course throughout my entire body. Wait, I can’t acknowledge that, it’s related to the thing I’m avoiding. Get up. The toothpaste tube and the weakness in my hands go to battle. Let the day begin. My body feels like it’s going to give out. I pretend not to notice. People are staring, but it’s probably in my head. Just be you. My pain has me on the verge of tears during class. I widen my smile until my face is contorted into an odd smirk. “Atta girl,” the voices of those who have shrunk my ring in my ears. Focus.
Post 10:40 am class, I’m hungry. I make my way to the cafeteria. Look at me, queen of independence, disability who? I pull out my phone to use Apple Pay but I can’t double click the button, I’m fumbling. Apple just forgot to make this accessible, it’s okay! I’ll accommodate! I have to pay cash. Breathe. The cashier audibly whispers to her co-worker “she’s struggling” as a decent-sized line forms behind me. I don’t have the heart nor do I have the range of motion to look back. I struggle with the wadded $20 from Christmas in the pocket of my elastic jeans (I can’t button regular ones). I give her the cash. She makes a point to further emphasize my struggle. Should I curse her out? I can’t pick up the change. I leave some coins sitting on the counter. I drop dollar bills. I struggle to assemble a paper bag and throw the cash right in next to my food. Gross, but I have no choice. Eyes bore into me, but maybe not? Maybe I’m delusional. Probably.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Anyways, I did it! I force positive affirmations through my head like the Shakespeare sonnets we had to memorize for high school poetry class – something about darling buds of May? I’m unstoppable. Tears are not welling in my eyes as I walk back to the location of my next class. My pain level is off the scale, making this seemingly mundane experience some semblance of a nightmare. Just get through it. The day goes on. I fall hard on the tile because someone forgot to dry the floor. Concerned faces haunt my peripheral. It’s cool! Everyone falls, maybe it’s quirky! Despite my fear, I start small talk with classmates to combat this all-consuming isolation. I’m met with half-hearted sighs and sometimes talked to as if I’m a toddler.
I’ve got to be an awful person – their behavior is most likely unrelated to the fact that I’m so confusingly configurated and that they all just saw me eat shit, right? I can’t play the victim and blame my disability. But I know the truth like the back of my hand, I’ve lived it. It is my disability, making me mystically invisible and hyper-visible simultaneously. This is all too much. I’m done pretending. How am I supposed to transcend my disability in a world that repeatedly obsesses over it and tells me (silently and blaringly) that my existence is either a burden or an after-thought?
“Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes”
I must admit it, dear reader, after letting all of that out, I’m scared. I fear that people will think I’m trying to write myself into some “woe-is-me” plotline. I’m not. My life isn’t a sad story, it’s complex, and that’s beautiful. Reducing myself to a black and white tragedy would erase the entire argument of this essay, erase my life’s purpose, and simply serve as untrue. I am not a sob story or a being whose only purpose is to remind people that they “have it good”. I’m a writer, artist, sister, daughter, friend, student, stranger, listener, and human. I’m writing this because it’s about time we disabled folks can embrace ourselves as humans, but you have to meet us halfway. Deciding not to care what others think of you is a luxury we don’t have. I chose to give this example of an average day in my life to illustrate that I depend on what others think or in most cases, don’t think. If buying food is inaccessible, I forego my lunch. If I can’t open a water bottle, I’ll just have to wait until there’s something I can drink. If there’s no elevator, I take on steep stairs despite the danger. If someone refuses me a basic job opportunity because of my disability, I don’t have money.
I’m not, in any way, trying to paint disabled life as tragic, but the way society treats us is. We are not at fault. I wrote this essay in an attempt to make sense of all the backward logic that has been thrust upon me. This is our reality, we live in a world that isn’t built for us, and we are reminded of it in all we do. Just because we’ve grown used to it doesn’t mean it isn’t soul-crushing.
If you have an open wound, you can’t just ignore it, be positive, leave it untreated, let it bleed, and expect it to heal. You must acknowledge the wound, cover it in salve, problem solve, and adapt in order to truly heal and finally wear that scar with pride.
This is the same thing as allowing disabled people to acknowledge the pain of living in an ableist society instead of telling them to just keep going or be more positive. We must be relentless in the pursuit to make the world equal for all, lives depend on it.
I can’t help but wonder what the world would look like for us if instead of being encouraged to look and move past our disabilities, we were encouraged to embrace them. I believe that’s where the healing begins.